The Daily Gym Shart

1st of all you need absolutely no business acumen whatsoever to sell this stuff!

The business in a box comes with a comprehensive 2 page pamphlet that outlines the very deepest secrets of the business world and how to be on 6 figures within months of ‘investing’ in the product.
What’s also helpful is the fact that you need absolutely no knowledge of nutrition, health or wellbeing to become a nutrition, health and wellbeing advisor.

So 1st things 1st you need to contact everyone you know on social media and I mean everyone.

This is a 1 size fits all product, from losing weight, gaining muscle to reconstructive eye surgery, the same package applies, the most expensive Platinum package.

With this knowledge in your arsenal and the fact you have just weighed out the entire family budget for food and household bills that your husband entrusted to you with, you will be extremely motivated to sell sell sell.

Step 1 – The cold message
When we say contact everyone, we mean absolutely everyone! Especially people you hate.
Remember, in business there is no such thing as friends, family, pets etc. If they have money, they are in your hair line.
So first off you need send a fluffy happy message along the lines of ” Hi ya (insert name) just to let you know I have become an ambassador of (insert what ever you’re selling) and thought our new (insert appropriate goal) products would be of interest.
Hope all is well and speak soon hun.x

P.s- I have a 25% discount this week.

Phase 2 – The ‘Bump’

Now if this sounds a bit like stalking.. its because it is!
This is where you sneak up on the school mums you messaged during the week and subtly ask them if they got your message by simply saying “Hi (insert name) did you get my message?”

Before they answer, start reeling off all the babble you learned from your pamphlet about the stuff your selling then fake a sales call before they answer, make sure you eye roll and mouth the words “So so busy” as you walk away.

Phase 3 – The wrong number

This is very similar to phase 2, simply phone everyone in your phone book and pretent you are following up a happy customer who has lost 3 stone in the last 5 days using the tripe you’re peddling.

Then apologise for the mix up but go on to tell the unsuspecting friend, family member, gynecologist etc about the amazing results everyone is getting and offer them a 25% discount for being your mate.

Phase 4 – The runt

In every social group of mums there is always the runt, usually quiet, intimidated and only ever brings the odd giggle or nod to the convo. These ladies are petrified of any form of confrontation and you can literally squeeze them for everything they have. Round these ladies up and make a heard of ever paying customers who would sooner start a new life 80 miles away than pipe up to any form of conflict.

Phase 5 – The Beg

Now you’re a month in, things may not have gone quite as expected. So in a last bid attempt to rid this soon to be out of date pink powder, offer a 60% discount and spam as many Facebook selling sites while promising what ever goal people want. Lose weight you got it, bigger tits on there way, Time travel sure thing.

Phase 6 – Fuck you all

This is the very last ‘Sales’ phase, putting up posts like “You support Beyonce but not small businesses like mine” and giving 1 star reviews to absolutely anyone and anything in a last ditch attempt to piss off the universe.

Phase 7 – Get a job in Asda

Get a job in Asda.

Arthur Brumble has been living in his gym’s changing room for the past 8 months since discovering he doesn’t actually have to leave.

Since joining the 24-hour gym chain in late February last year, Mr Brumble soon discovered a loophole in his gym contract that meant he could pretty much live at the place.

“My family rarely visit me and I never got round to marrying so it seemed to make sense”

Arthur gave notice on the 1 bed flat he had rented for 20 years just 3 weeks into his membership and now wanders around the changing rooms with just a towel draped over his left shoulder.

“I love the fact that I can walk freely around the changing room and still chat to new people every day, being naked is a bonus as it saves washing my pants in the sink”

Disgruntled gym manager Craig Smith commented:

“There is absolutely nothing we can do about it, I’ve been through the gym contract over 10 times and it specifies that he has unlimited use of the 24-hour facilities as long as he pays, but to be fair he’s a nice bloke even if he does smell like feet”

Arthur then went on to reveal that he pretty much eats for free at the gym as well.

“People leave all sorts of stuff here, funny chocolate protein bars, bags of milkshake powder and hundreds of Tupperware boxes filled with healthy food. Also I discovered that if I walk over to someone while their eating and ask, “are going finish that?”, 9 times out of 10 they give it to me. I’ve lost two stone over the past eight months and haven’t even seen the gym”

Although Mr Brumble is free to wander the changing and washroom facilities with as little clothing as he pleases, the gym has a strict anti-naked policy which Mr Brumble isn’t prepared to consider.

“In all honesty I haven’t a clue where my clothes are, I lost them the day I came in and have been looking for them ever since”

Emma Ratchford who wishes to remain anonymous has confessed in a startling report that she point blank lies to her podgy mates to make them feel shit about themselves.

Mrs Ratchford revealed that she’s been telling ‘Porky Pies’ ever since she was at university after getting a job in a local bistro.

“At Uni I literally had no money to eat so I’d scoff loads of food at work because they fed us for free and wouldn’t eat much during the rest of the week.
All the other waitresses were a bit older and had normal lives so they ate fucking loads all the time and couldn’t understand how I could eat so much and stay so thin”

To keep the illusion of a mega fast and unachievable metabolism Emma would get up early in the morning to go running and train vigorously in her room along with sticking to a strict diet, whilst telling everyone that she does nothing active, is naturally lazy and lives on junk food and chocolate!

“I found it gave me a massive buzz when I saw how shit these people felt about themselves when I ate in front of them and decided to keep up the charade for as long as I could, 20 years on and I’m still going strong”

Mrs Ratchford went on to disclose that there is a huge secret community of ‘Skinny bitches’ all over the world who connect via secret Facebook groups.

“Its brilliant, we share diet and fitness techniques, ways to fit it in the day without getting caught as well as ways to lie to our friends!
We even share pictures of massive burgers and pizzas to post on Facebook with captions like ‘I’m such a fatty’ and ‘Oops not again'”

Emma joined her local gym with two of her tubbier mates earlier this year so they could all ‘get fit’ together.

“It was great, obviously they don’t know that I’ve been secretly training vigorously for the past 20 years, they didn’t stand a chance!
We did a full spin on day 1, 10k run on day 2 and a boot camp on day 3, I was buzzing while they were shattered, pretty sure one of them actually shit herself!”

‘Fit4Poor’ opened its 1st club back in January of 2018 and has now over 60 clubs across the uk.
Because of its alluring low price and life term memberships, it’s impossible to leave!

Fit4Poor founder and CEO Barry Frampton commented:

“Honestly I could not believe what the general public will put up with when stuff is cheap!
One of our clubs in Skegness only has 1 working toilet, no matching dumbbells and you have to queue to use most of the equipment, but they love it because it’s cheap!”

Mr Frampton took inspiration from the influx of 99p shops in his local area and decided to bring the concept into the fitness industry.

And that’s not the only idea the budding entrepreneur took inspiration from the high street.

“We get around the expensive music license law by allowing buskers to freely play in the gym area as well as allow the local homeless community have 24 hour access to our bins, 9 times out of 10 they just take the lot, brilliant”

Here are just some of the chains 5 star google reviews:

“Tbh I’ve only been 7 times in the past 18 months but who cares, its cheap”
Jeanette W. Smithe

“Yeah its located next to the sewer refinery, yes there is no heating or working wash facilities, yes you have to queue for most things and yes there are tramps living in the changing room, but it 99p a month!!! Its brilliant”
Gary Merchant

The franchise averages around 60,000 members per facility which although has its health and safety issues, means the gym group will be on target to quadruple the shareholders price by next quarter.

Owner mr Frampton is hoping to open a further 20 facilities next month alone and Hope’s to hit Europe by 2021.

Aspiring strong man Mat has achieved something that’s never been done before at his community gym. While most strength competitors focus on increasing strength, Mat has moved his focus towards his ability to break stuff.

“It all started when I first joined the gym, because I was quite a big lad I thought I’d be naturally strong.”

Mat suffered with child obesity from a young age as well as late development which caused a spout of aggressive behaviour.

” I wandered up to the biggest dumbbells in the gym and tried to pick them up, but I couldn’t budge them”

Mat then explained that he was instantly infuriated at this and threw them one at a time at the floor which to his amazement resulted in them snapping in two.

“I couldn’t believe my strength! As the weights snapped I realised I had an amazing talent and that I felt the bollocks after every sesh”

Mat (who has been banned from six gyms in the Cornwall area) joined the local council gym only four months ago and has successfully wrecked the place.

“The best thing about this gym is literally none of the staff give a shit, I lobbed a kettle bell at a treadmill last week and they all just ran off, it’s the nuts”

Mat, who’s hoping to start a new line of gym vests with his slogan “You know what the Mat is Break’n” has now set his sights on bringing down an entire Lloyd Lloyd Lifestyle centre by the end of the year and hopes to set a new trend for the strength community.

Gerald Beaton from Inverness started attending yoga back in early 2018 because his wife of 14 years told him to stop being a lazy shit!

“To be honest, I thought yoga would be the easiest option to get the mrs off my case but when I did it I realised it was nigh on impossible!”

The 46 year old lorry driver had no prior exercise experience other than running to the fag shelter at truck stops when it rained.

“The first session was a shock to the system to say the least, tucking my legs in places they had never been, while trying to hold my own body weight was like torture”

Mr Beaton then went on to explain how the embarrassing slip out occurred.

“I mean my guts were rotten from the curry and pint deal down the pub the night before, but I thought to myself, if I can hold it in the lorry, I’ll hold it through yoga”

Gerald told us that the class room was tightly packed due to an over booking issue and that people were crammed in ‘Nose to Arse’

“As we did the downward dog I felt something move down below that I couldn’t hold, my guts turned and boom, I let one off in Janice’s face”

However, to Gerald’s bewilderment, nothing happened. No giggles, no complaints or jeering, just utter silence.

” I even questioned myself as whether I’d even farted in the first place, until the second one crept out”

But yet again nothing came of it.

Unbeknown to Gerald, there is secret code in the yoga studio regarding the odd passing of wind, namely that it cannot be acknowledged or punished by any written law.

“Since finding this out I’ve been blowing off left right n centre, sometimes saving them up throughout the day!
Last Thursday, the instructor accidentally gave me a nod of approval after a 12-second trump bellowed out during the baby pose”

Mrs Beaton (Gerald’s wife) commented:

“The bloke’s a smelly fat twat and I wish I’d shagged his scuba diving brother”

Sandra Gillingham from Slough has been forced to give up her weekly weights routine after getting “Way too big”.

“I had worries from day 1 to be honest, I even told the guy showing me around the gym on my first day that I didn’t want to get too big and he just laughed”.

Sandra who has a strict weekly 30-minute weights regime has gained 10lbs of mass since joining the gym and is having to quit early before she gets asked to appear on stage at the Olympia.

“Im going to have to revert back to uphill walking and the inny outy leg machines from now on as I fear my two sons and husband may suspect I’m on steroids”

Mrs Gillingham is now campaigning to have warning labels put on gym machines and weights outlining the dangers and severe consequences for women undertaking the lightest of weight sessions.

“I just wish I’d had prior warning to the side effects of weight training, the only good thing I’ve found is that i can eat what i like as I burn it off at the gym”