Gerald Beaton from Inverness started attending yoga back in early 2018 because his wife of 14 years told him to stop being a lazy shit!
“To be honest, I thought yoga would be the easiest option to get the mrs off my case but when I did it I realised it was nigh on impossible!”
The 46 year old lorry driver had no prior exercise experience other than running to the fag shelter at truck stops when it rained.
“The first session was a shock to the system to say the least, tucking my legs in places they had never been, while trying to hold my own body weight was like torture”
Mr Beaton then went on to explain how the embarrassing slip out occurred.
“I mean my guts were rotten from the curry and pint deal down the pub the night before, but I thought to myself, if I can hold it in the lorry, I’ll hold it through yoga”
Gerald told us that the class room was tightly packed due to an over booking issue and that people were crammed in ‘Nose to Arse’
“As we did the downward dog I felt something move down below that I couldn’t hold, my guts turned and boom, I let one off in Janice’s face”
However, to Gerald’s bewilderment, nothing happened. No giggles, no complaints or jeering, just utter silence.
” I even questioned myself as whether I’d even farted in the first place, until the second one crept out”
But yet again nothing came of it.
Unbeknown to Gerald, there is secret code in the yoga studio regarding the odd passing of wind, namely that it cannot be acknowledged or punished by any written law.
“Since finding this out I’ve been blowing off left right n centre, sometimes saving them up throughout the day!
Last Thursday, the instructor accidentally gave me a nod of approval after a 12-second trump bellowed out during the baby pose”
Mrs Beaton (Gerald’s wife) commented:
“The bloke’s a smelly fat twat and I wish I’d shagged his scuba diving brother”
The Daily Gym Shart 